Stepping Back

It may be that I am sometimes guilty of taking myself and/or others too seriously.

Ok, seriously.

I find myself dangerously near some level of "academic stuffiness" lately, in some of my writing and even speaking. It has been necessary for me to re-word and rearrange emails, other notes to people, and posts online so that I sound like a normal person.

I think this could be a problem.:P

This is NOT to say that the kinds of things I'm thinking and writing and wanting to think and write are not still important to me. On the contrary, I feel like I'm making progress in ways that I never have before in learning how to piece together the things I'm learning to take a stand or make a contribution.

But, when all is said and done (or thought and written, as the case may be), I am still me.

And "me," believe it or not, is really a pretty simple person.

When I was in high school, I read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Sean Covey. In this book, Covey recommends creating a personal mission statement (and I've heard Steven Covey, Sean's dad, recommend the expansion of this to a family mission statement for married folks). I wish I had attached a date to the mission statement that I drafted then ... all I know is that I was somewhere between the ages of 14 and 16 when I decided on the following ...

I will:

read the books

do the math

take the classes

write the papers

pass the tests

make the money

draw the plans

live the laws

meet the people

required of me so that I can get to where I'm going and pursue my dreams the way I choose.

During my life, I will take time for anything and everything I feel is important, including observing and enjoying nature, caring for and loving my family, being faithful and obedient to God, pursuing my interests, hobbies, and personal goals, and being a friend and a helper to those in need.

I will never give up my dreams or compromise my standards for any reason whatsoever, and I will never settle for less than truth, honor, and integrity.

I have actually surprised myself with the number of times I have referred back to my "mission statement" since I wrote it ... it has helped me stay focused on some key things about my life and my goals. I've been wondering lately whether it might be time to revise or enlarge it somewhat. At the time, a lot of those tasks I listed were things I perceived as necessary evils, assignments to be endured and completed only so that I could then do just what I wanted to do. Now, I'm learning that many of those things are a part of my life's work that I want to embrace, rather than merely enduring.

I started a "life list" once, which I've long since lost - which I've been thinking it would be fun to recreate. In essentials, my aspirations are much the same as they ever were - I want to be of service to God and know Him personally, and I am really looking forward to being a wife and mother. (See? Simple - 3 things :) Over the years, I think these basic dreams have grown to include becoming the most genuine, real person I can be, and contributing in some significant way to the moral fiber of the community around me. I've also started to recognize the reality of some of the gifts God has given me ... and I want to use them!

What's on your list? Who do you dream of being? Who have you been that has caused you to want to be that person? What are you going to go after, and how are you going to go after it?

Confessions of a Therapist-In-Training

The end of August marked the beginning of a nearly year-long adventure in counseling at a local campus wellness center. So far, so good - I LOVE this work! I am working under the supervision of a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) and am counseling with students who are coming in with a wide variety of presenting issues, from grief to relationship troubles to anxiety and/or depression to low self esteem.

I have been pondering the fact that many people come to counseling expecting the counselor to know what to do, or to tell him/her what to do, to FIX it. I knew this, coming into the internship, and have even experienced it myself, kind of expecting to be directed in a counseling session to do something or try something or talk about something specific … and I have recognized on a personal level that my counselor's direction isn’t always what’s most needed or most appropriate to help me grow. However, I didn’t anticipate how easy it would be, from a counselor's vantage point, to go right along with the client and feel pressure to provide solutions. I know, intellectually, that I want the client to reach their own solutions, that I don’t want to be the “expert advice-giver,” that I don’t want to tell them what to do. In practice though, it’s hard to avoid falling into that trap! If I am given that much power by a client, it’s very difficult not to take it and run with it.

My supervisor proposed the image of a road trip … where the client is the driver and the therapist is, to some degree, the navigator. We may suggest directions to go, and some clients may need more encouragement or direction than others, but ultimately those decisions are left up to them.

Right now there is a big emphasis, in many helping professions, on deferring to the client as the expert on his or her own life. No matter how much I know or experience, I will never understand exactly what my client is going through from their perspective ... and acknowledging that with humility in the counseling room can be a huge piece of what it takes to develop a meaningful therapeutic relationship.

Having said this, I have also found myself caught in a bit of a quandary over where counseling as a profession really enters the picture. Obviously there are many different reasons, approaches, and responses to counseling. I find myself wondering if traditional counseling (I’m not sure I’m even clear what I mean by that, but for lack of a better description) isn’t one of the most conservative (and least postmodernistic) fields there is. For example, when there is such an emphasis on being strengths-based, we are making a value judgment just by designating various abilities or aptitudes as strengths ... and thus implying that their opposite or lack would equal weakness. When meeting with a client who is depressed, we can suggest with reasonable certainty that there are things that WILL (nearly 100% of the time) help, such as exercise, a healthy sleep schedule, and healthy food choices. Here there is not so much of the postmodern “create your own reality - go your own way and make whatever you want to have happen, happen” attitude but rather a feeling of “it is almost certain that these things will help you … how can I help you resolve your concerns about them so that you can see that too?”

What do you think?

Why the Temple?

The Prophet Joseph Smith: “The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it” (History of the Church, 3:30).

Speaking to my friends who are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, most of us have had the opportunity to attend the Temple – many of us have been there multiple times to perform baptisms on behalf of those who have passed away without receiving the gospel. Why do we go? Have you ever asked yourself that question? Why is the Temple so important? It is a beautiful, clean, peaceful place … yes. We can feel the Spirit of the Lord there … okay, that’s good too. In no way do I mean to downplay beauty, cleanliness, peace, or our need for the Spirit. But WHY is the Temple such a necessary element in our worship and in our lives? Can’t we find these things elsewhere as well? What is so special about the Temple?

As I have pondered these questions, these are a few of the things I have come up with:

*The Temple is the House of God on earth. I once had the opportunity to be an ordinance worker at the Rexburg, Idaho Temple for a few months. I have been told multiple times that the Lord walks the halls of His Temples – that His presence there is at times as literal as ours. It is perhaps too easy to take this for granted, but some of the time I spent there

as a worker served to convince me of its truth. The ground there is hallowed, sacred, dedicated, and holy … if we are seeking to match that level of purity and dedication by our preparation for Temple attendance, we can experience a powerful outpouring of the Spirit in a way that it is difficult to do in other settings. Do we go in a spirit of preparation and eagerness to be with Him or do we close ourselves off to the possibility of recognizing His presence by allowing ourselves to be distracted and entangled by the things going on for us in the outside world?

*The Temple is a classroom. The best way I have found to describe what occurs in the Temple to those who are not familiar with it is to explain that it is a teaching ground … a place where people who are trying to live faithfully are taught more about the purpose of this life, more about God’s plan, and more about who they really are and what is expected of them. Brigham Young taught that “Your endowment is, to receive all those ordinances in the House of the Lord, which are necessary for you, after you have departed this life, to enable you to walk back to the presence of the Father, passing the angels who stand as sentinels, … and gain your eternal exaltation in spite of earth and hell.” (Journal of Discourses, 2:31)

*Temple ordinances are part of the process of staying pure and becoming sanctified. When I think about the difference between being purified and sanctified, it makes the most sense to me to define these in terms of becoming clean and becoming holy. Repentance and baptism, in faith and humility, when formalized by Priesthood authority, are purifying ordinances that allow us to be clean from sin through Christ. The Sacrament provides us a way to maintain and refresh this cleanliness. The ordinances and covenants we partake of in the Temple constitute another, further step, which allows us to progress in the goal of ultimately becoming holy. Not only must we be clean from our sins but we must ultimately become holy as Christ is, through the linking of His grace and our very best efforts. Temple ordinances aid us in that quest.

*Ordinances performed in the Temple are an important part of missionary work. Once we have made our covenants and received the ordinances of the Temple for ourselves, our responsibility expands to include making those covenants and ordinances available to others. Just as we talk to our friends who are not of our faith and share the reason for our hope (1 Pet. 3:15) and the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ, we perform ordinances such as baptism and endowment on the behalf of those who have passed through this life without the opportunity of completing these physical tasks on their own. Those spirits who wait in the Spirit World between death and resurrection then have the choice to accept or reject the work done on their behalf.

My sister was married in the Sacramento Temple two years ago. At her sealing, as at the sealings of other friends and family that I have been privileged to witness, I was struck by the eternal significance of what was taking place. I have never felt a more beautiful feeling than the one that pervades a Temple sealing room. The couple dresses in white and kneels across an altar to make covenants that, when “sealed” or bound by the power of the Priesthood there in the Temple, endure for eternity. The covenants that we make in marriage, as well as the covenants we make about the standard of righteousness to which we will hold throughout our life, are recorded in Heaven; recognized and validated by God.

Preparing to go to the Temple, attending to make personal covenants with God, and returning often to serve and to seek spiritual enlightenment are SO important! I know this is a goal worth working toward and sacrificing for. As we make the Savior and the Temple the focus of our lives, we lay the foundation for future families who will also focus on the Savior and the Temple. The joy that will come to us as we learn to worship the Lord individually first, and then with our spouses and children (and parents and siblings), will surpass anything that we’ve yet experienced in this life and we will want to share it with everyone we know.

“And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” – Matt. 16:19

On Life and Being Awake

Last week I had the opportunity to go horseback riding with my younger sister for the first time in several years. Natalie and I took riding lessons at about the same time when we were 12 and 10 ... you might say I "grew out of" them, though I certainly still enjoy riding and admire horses. However, they have been (and are) Nat's lifeblood. She went on from there to train a mustang filly and eventually majored in Animal Science and married a cowboy. Now she and her husband and baby boy are living the cattle-ranching life and have several horses and a couple of dogs. The last time I rode was with her - before we went away to school together, before she ever met her husband, before my mission.

Needless to say, it's been awhile. My riding muscles and horse-speak are a little rusty, to say the least. We didn't ride for long, but we talked as we rode and Natalie started to explain to me an idea that has made a huge difference for her in her work with horses. She talked about how one puts "life" into their riding, into their prompts to the horse, into their mentality.

She commented on the way my horse, Punch, would frequently flick his ears backward in my direction. I had always been given to understand that this meant he was listening to me - true, I think, but Natalie added something to that, saying that the flicking of the ears suggested an uncertainty about what was wanted; a waiting, almost, for more clarity of direction. When his ears were pricked forward, she said, you could be sure he knew where he was going and how to get there. There would be a livelier drive forward in his step and a tangible energy that would unify us if I allowed myself to be driven by the same "life" that was driving him. Natalie explained that sometimes the "life" in him would be more readily apparent without my help, as when we turned toward home and he could see his destination and push toward it, confident in my intention as well as his own. The trick was to inspire and bring that "life" (more of an attitude and inner state than anything else) to our partnership when we headed in a direction that didn't immediately appear to lead home.

As I have been pondering this, I've been reminded of some thoughts on the meaning of being fully awake ... not just in body, but in spirit, mind, and heart as well. Henry David Thoreau wrote,

"The morning, which is the most memorable season of the day, is the awakening hour. Then there is least somnolence in us; and for an hour, at least, some part of us awakes which slumbers all the rest of the day and night. Little is to be expected of that day, if it can be called a day, to which we are not awakened by our Genius, but by the mechanical nudgings of some servitor, are not awakened by our own newly acquired force and aspirations from within, accompanied by the undulations of celestial music, instead of factory bells, and a fragrance filling the air - to a higher life than we fell asleep from; ... The millions are awake enough for physical labor; but only one in a million is awake enough for effective intellectual exertion, only one in a hundred millions to a poetic or divine life. To be awake is to be alive. I have never yet met a man who was quite awake. How could I have looked him in the face? We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aids, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn, which does not forsake us in our soundest sleep."

I don't think I want to attempt to expound on that at the moment. But think about it. I still am.

To connect back to the question I asked in my last post about how to encourage the healthy seeking and finding of energy, and emotional stimulation, here are a few things that I find refreshing and balancing. Everyone has their own, so this is absolutely not an exhaustive list ...! That said, do these types of activities help you to develop that inner sense of "life" or an awake state that fosters confidence, openness and sensitivity? If not, what does? When do you feel most awake? And, recognizing those moments of awakeness, what would it take to seek them more intentionally and more frequently?

Leave your cell phone home for a dayWeed the garden (REALLY weedy gardens are best ... progress is easy to see and satisfying. Water first ;)Visit a drive-through car washSing along to the radioDance in the living roomSmile at a stranger ... or smile BACK at a strangerPlay with a babyTake a shower and finish it off with a thick, warm towelListen to uplifting musicWalk barefoot & get your toes DIRTYPlay in the mudClear the air with someone you've been hesitant to talk toGive someone a long hug for no reasonListen to uplifting musicHave a good cryStop and look at the starsTake a deep breath with your eyes closed ... better yet, take 3 or 4.Go for a walk or jogHug a pillow Cuddle the cat ... (or the dog ... or the gerbil ...)

To Live With One's Whole Heart ...

“To take life in armfuls, to embrace and accept it, to leap into it with energy and relish, is of course to invite trouble of all the familiar kinds. But the cost of avoiding trouble is a terrible one: it is the cost of having trodden the planet for humanity’s brief allotment of less than a thousand months, without really having lived.”

– A.C. Grayling

Being genuine - or being truly myself, fully present and responsive to others - has been (and is) a long-term and ongoing quest for me. Closely connected to the idea of genuineness are the concepts of being sincere (or sine cera, "without wax," [to make something look pretty and perfect when it's not, as in ancient marble pillars] as a teacher once shared with me) and being whole. The following have really enlarged these ideas for me ...

What does it mean to be truly comfortable as myself? How to be comfortable as myself now and yet motivated to be gradually more and better?

I have been feeling the need to nurture and get to know ME ... and learn to feel, not only what is pleasant and wonderful, but also the uncomfortable and awkward and painful. And learn to thrive on all of it, reaching always for hope and growth. If I can learn to open myself to whatever new experience brings, perhaps I can help light the path for others. I have always loved this quote by Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I am fearful. Often. To a somewhat crippling extent. But I am coming to feel that fear does not equate to weakness. And I intend to search out and talk to and feel my fear until I can understand it well enough to transform it into experience and joy and growth. I want to be a real and a whole person, and I want others to feel okay about being real and whole and powerful (without being painless) too. Who's with me??

I love this presentation by researcher Brené Brown. Note her explained definition of "courage" and her discussion of the ways in which we (and society) numb what we feel and determine what we will or will not be.



I currently work as a community educator for a local nonprofit agency that provides services to victims of domestic violence. Part of what I've been doing over the past few months is facilitating an educational group about emotions for residents of our emergency shelter. I love doing this - it is incredibly energizing to teach ideas and skills that I feel strongly about, while also trying to encourage and empower the participants to think and make decisions for themselves. It reminds me of what it was like serving as a missionary for my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints ... sharing and helping others practice utilizing truths that will make all the difference in their relationships and the many life roads ahead of them. It makes me happy to share things that ring true to so many people!

Jon G. Allen, Ph.D., wrote a book called Coping with Trauma, in which he made a statement to the effect that "healing from trauma requires cultivating emotion, not squelching it." This statement has been one of my driving mottos as I have worked on developing the group. The past three sessions have focused on specific emotions (fear, shame, and grief) and what it means to experience them. What they are like - how they feels physically, the strength of their impact mentally and emotionally, their color and taste and smell. Have you ever thought about that? Ever tried separating an event (involving people or places or things that triggered emotion) from the feeling that engulfed you as a result? What do you do with the feelings? Do you allow yourself to experience them fully or do you try to pretend they are not there? Are they always being compared or are they accepted for what they are?

As it turns out, the world seems to suggest that an awful lot of people are fixated on feeling more, feeling intensely, and being stimulated emotionally. I've been a little overwhelmed by some of the media representations of the struggle to feel that I have recently encountered. See the text of Taylor Swift's "The Way I Loved You," and Eminem and Rihanna's "Love the Way You Lie" for two extremely different examples (be aware that there is some crude language in the lyrics of the second song). We want energy, we want excitement, we want passion and arousal and resolution. But does it come only in such unpredictable and unhealthy circumstances? What has happened to us that causes us at times to look for it in such hurtful and/or dysfunctional settings?

I would love to hear thoughts on how to emphasize and nurture healthy, natural and fulfilling emotional stimulation and integrity. What do you think? Where do natural highs and lows come from? How does emotion play into efforts to be genuine?